Reader questions: Wanting what you can’t have
“What do I do, I met this girl the other day and really liked her. Then I met her friend and was hoping she could set us up so I arranged to see the friend again the next day. However, when the friend stood me up I suddenly realized that I liked the fried and had completely forgotten about the first girl. We had such amazing conversation that I just wanted to talk to her again and when she stood me up I realized I missed her. What should I do?”
Let’s start with the first statement “I met this girl and I really liked her”. At best you were attracted to her physically. Perhaps her personality was intriguing as well. But if you mean like as in “I want to date her” don’t you think that is a bit rushed? I try to never think beyond the moment. If I just met a girl I don’t think about marriage. In fact, I try not to think beyond “She’s nice, I’d like to hang out with her sometime again.”
So next you ran into her friend and hoped that she could be the connection to set you up with the girl you actually liked. Why did you arrange to see the friend again rather than the actual girl? From my perspective this could be a good move. If you really like someone you want to know their friends and win their approval as well. Or else isolate them, but I don’t normally suggest this method.
Here’s where it gets interesting. The friend who you were not interested in stands you up. And all the sudden you realize you actually like forgetting about the first girl.
Here is a principle everyone should remember: we ALWAYS want what we can’t have. Whether true or not the grass will always seem better on the other side of the fence. This is human nature so don’t be ashamed. So when the girl stood you up, you never really like her. You just were expecting her to be there, she wasn’t, so your natural response was to think about her more, and with her on you’re mind you thought you wanted her.
We often tend to look back and see only the good in our past (most people do this; some people see only the negative which is a self-defeating mindset). So you looked back as you were thinking about this girl and thought about how beautiful she was, how connect you were with her, and how much you had looked forward to talking to her again.
Then when she stood you up you felt like you lost something. You missed her not because you wanted her or cared about her but because you thought you had her but you didn’t.
This is so often why we mess up in relationships. Do you really care her or are you just obsessed with what you can’t have?