Insecurity and Confidence: where do they come from?

What we believes matters.

For the most part of my adolescence I’ve been a rather shy kid. A lot of people told me that I’m good looking, and that was great; but I didn’t know what to do with that. As I grew older I asked a few girls out, but for the most part it seemed rather awkward. I mean I was an all right guy, good looking, Christian, fun- but somehow I never got to go beyond an awkward asking somebody out just to be moved in the “friends zone.”

A few weeks back we’ve talked about the fact that Christian guys lack confidence. Another way to say that is that they are insecure. This happens to girls too, and the usual outcome is fear based behavior. No bueno. Then you see the other people who act all-confident like they’ve been around since the first day of creation. That’s not confidence either, not healthy one anyways, let me explain why.

Insecurities and confidence are two sides of the same coin: they reflect what we believe about ourselves. Now we can believe something that is true or something that is not true in accord to reality.

The people who are overconfident usually believe something better about themselves than what  is true. They are confident, but they’re confidence is rooted in a self-created realty. It’s the guys in the gym who scream to hard after every squat or walk around like they swallowed a hangar. And the girls with the “oh my gosh, you won’t believe who just asked me out” attitude. Worthless. These people need a reality check, and no worries, life will give it to them.

Then there are the insecure ones. Shy, submissive, quiet e.t.c. Again, no bueno. They believe again something not true about themselves, namely that they are less that what they are in real life. Maybe they’ve been lied to, made fun of, never been affirmed… There are lots of causes, but the same effect. Guys and girls don’t believe that they are able to to attract a really good partner. They hope for that, wish for that, but don’t really believe that.

So how do we address insecurities?

We must change what we believe about ourselves.

We must find what reality is really like and start from there. It may very well be that you’re body, mannerism or the way you dress is really unattractive. Don’t hang out with your looser friends who tell you that you’re OK. Change some things about you. It may be that you’ll have to fresh’n up that wardrobe of yours and maybe get a hair cut.

But this is just the begging. The journey continues with journaling. Yes, jouranling. Write down white you believe about yourself. Be honest. Be honest with yourself because it’s the foundation of any change. Confront those beliefs about yourself. Call them out, make them clear.

Changing a belief is not an easy thing. It’s not easy at all. It took years for that belief to form. Many times the process was subtle, tacit, blended. There are several factors, context plays a role, there are a lot of things going on. To change a belief that somebody has about themselves takes time and the right approach. You have to want this, work hard at it and face reality regardless how harsh. You have to look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself the truth and start doing something about it.

Most of the time we don’t want to do that. Reality is too harsh to look in the face. We don’t want to question the environment we grew up, our culture, our failures over time and what they really add up. We’d rather blame context, culture, the liberals, the world, the Devil and the list goes on. Yes, the might have had a role to play, but don’t be a victim of your circumstances.

You are your biggest problem and you are your way out. Do something about it. Curing insecurities and gaining true confidence comes from facing the reality about ourselves and doing something to change it. It may take a while, but when you’ve gone through the process, you will be a better person: stronger, wiser, more confident.

What we believe matters.

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