Making Love versus Sex
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There is a lot of hype about love versus sex. While I would be the first to agree that they are very separate, I think I can safely say that they are more integrated than we think. It’s not like you can’t have one without the other. Obviously. But I think that when linked they create a unique and beautiful way of expression that is not possible when separated. Let’s start with some definitions.
What is love? When I talk about love I mean being having a companion who you can be fully open with. This person knows your best friend secrets and it ok with dating or marrying you, even if they don’t like them. I’m talking about someone you trust, who you’ve spent quality and quantity time with. Intimacy is really only possible when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. And hopefully love allows for this.
The boredom aspect: Ever notice that things which used to thrill you as a child don’t anymore. Ever notice that a first kiss isn’t a breathtaking as it once was? Ever notice that you can drive for hours and never notice a single interesting site when as a child you would be enthralled at every new view?
We naturally get bored of things. Just like a smell decreases over time of exposure, so constant exposure to pleasure and other sensory stimuli will eventually cause us to get numb. In a relationship this is a terrible thing. You don’t want your sex drive to go away but at the same time there is only so far in how “freaky” you can get before your sex drive starts wanting other partners.
Love is perhaps most passionately expressed in sex and sex is perhaps most passionately enjoyed in love. However, what drives the need for sex makes a world of difference in the way that pleasure is perceived. It also makes a world of difference in the way the couple’s relationship either develops or deteriorates.
Here’s the difference. The man or woman, who is simply looking at sex a form of pleasure, or an artificial way to get close to someone, must constantly look for ever increasing levels of pleasure and intensity to satisfy. The chemical dopamine which is in part responsible for our drives is thought to be never satisfied (so to speak). Thus purely physical drives or drives that come from emotional insecurity cannot really be satisfied even with the pleasure that they desired.
However, a couple who is truly in love with each other (as described earlier) is not looking for pure physical pleasure to satisfy those drives. Their drive is the need for oneness and intimacy, to increasingly know every aspect of their lover. Thus, they have a natural source of increased energy to offset the boredom aspect.
Sure you should be free to try new things and should look to please your partner. But a truly gratifying sexual experience, in my opinion, is best had in a trusting relationship. True love leads to intimacy which results in amazing sex. Amazing sex is the expression of this intimacy.