Controlling boyfriends (part 2): insecurity
I remember once having this girl friend. I felt as if I had to constantly keep tabs on her. I was a boy. Not a man. I texted her constantly. Called her incessantly. Chatted with her while in class. Asked her what she did pretty much all the time. Yes I even stalked her once or twice. I could tell you some funny stories. . . .
The point was I was controlling. Why? Because of one simple fact: I was an insecure boy inside. I had to control my environment in every way because if everything didn’t go according to plan I’d have a melt down! People who know me now might laugh, but I’m not lying.
This is the second reason I think we guys get controlling. We are really just insecure. Maybe we have a somewhat legitimate reason: we’ve been screwed before. Two quick points: this girl is not your ex-girlfriend, and if she is the one who screwed you, why are you still with her? If you’re willing to take the risk she must be worth it so stop worrying, if not walk!
I know it’s easier said than done. But sometimes for our own good (yes I’m talking about putting yourself first, before you can give to someone else you have to fill yourself) you have to walk away from a lot of good memories. But even more important you need to find your value in something other than a great girlfriend that does whatever you want her to.
Now some of us are not insecure because of anything to do with the woman we are dating. We look at other guys and think: he gets more girls because he has better abs, and he gets more girls because he has a nicer car, and he gets more girls because he had a bigger . . . These are often deep rooted insecurities that go back to childhood issues. We need to deal with these before we are capable of having healthy relationships.
When a girl feels crowed and controlled by you, especially for no reason, she will begin to feel insecure. She may look for freedom and wish to escape. All the sudden that guy with swag and style and perhaps a bit lower standards than your own look really appealing. And you’ll be left alone, confirming your fears and reinstating your insecurities.
This is why controlling is so unattractive: the number one reason a lot of young people are scared of commitment is that they don’t want to lose their freedom. I don’t want to lose mine. Why would my girl be any different? And for some petting insecurity of mine? Pathetic? Perhaps, but I’ve been there myself and I know it takes years to deal with.
Up next: how to deal with controlling habits.